Jul 3 2013

Check Out Your Latest Sex Scandal Teacher

VIDEO– A Redlands, Calif., high school teacher who allegedly gave birth to a baby fathered by a teen student has been arrested for having sex with the male pupil. Laura Elizabeth Whitehurst, 28, was arrested Monday evening after being questioned at her home in Redlands…The student was 16 at the time of the nearly year-long alleged relationship, according to police.

“One thing led to another, and he ended up at her residence, and it’s been going on, going for approximately one year now,” said Redlands police Cmdr. Shawn Ryan.

“She was open with her pregnancy. I don’t know what her story was to everybody else, but it was an open pregnacy,” Ryan added. “The school district knew about it.”

The mother of the alleged victim, who is now 17, on Monday reported the relationship to the Redlands Unified School District, which in turn contacted police, according to Carl Baker, a police spokesman. “Investigators say the child was fathered by the teen,” the news release stated.

Sad, isn’t it? The kid had a good thing going until the baby. He should have remembered how useful condoms were from the Sex-Ed classes he was currently enrolled in. My problem is that the only reason this kid is a ‘victim’ is because he got her knocked up. Yes, if it was a little girl I would want the death penalty for the guy, but I was a teenage boy not too long ago, and this kid is no victim.

I had teachers that had half the cannons that this chick had and I would have gone to Saturday School every week if it meant I got to sniff the chair that they sat on. Sex-crazed teenage boy+ Milk sack teacher= victimless crime. If he wasn’t scared of having a baby and his mom getting pissed off at him this kid would be plowing his teacher out behind the bleachers as we speak.

And the kids in the video who say she was such a great teacher and wanted to help are pissed because they realized she was so nice because she wanted to get a train ran on her by the English Society. Hindsight is a bitch.

I give this Teacher and student a sold B+ on this one. It was a good ride, lasting a year. Getting pregnant could have ruined something that had potential for an A here. She has a history of this, but seemed to really like this one. You don’t usually get that type of commitment in these scandals. Plus, those boobs got some serious size. That always makes things better.

Jul 3 2013

Pennsylvania: Home of Gay Nazi Vampires

(NBCPhilly)– Authorities are on the lookout for a sucker biter. State police say a landscaper gave a Pennsylvania man a sucker bite on his neck after luring the victim into his truck with the promise of a $20 grass-cutting job. The 21-year-old victim told police he was approached by the older, bald, tattooed man riding in landscaping truck.

Police say the victim got into the man’s truck when he offered him the grass-cutting job a few blocks away, only to have the landscaper attack him. Police say the landscaper also hit the victim with a ratchet three or four times after the sucker bite.

The victim broke free by kicking the landscaper in the ribs and called police.

How much of a dumbass is this bro? You would think after years of “don’t get into cars with strangers, Johnny” he would know not to hop in a truck next to a bald, tattooed old guy. You know what I think of when I think of people I don’t want to be within 5 feet of? Let’s just say old, tattooed, bald men come right after vampires. Seems here we have a case of both, which brings me to freakout city.

This is not the world I want to live in. A world where old Aryan vampires seek out young blood by handing out the promise of a quick 20 bucks. I’m desperate, I’d do a lot of things most people wouldn’t at this point for a 20. Now you’re telling me I have to make sure I don’t get sucker bited by some gay Nazi vampire who will suck the blood out of my neck and try to beat me with a ratchet so he can take me home and put me through a juicer? Fuck outta here. If it was Robert Pattinson, maybe. Seems like a good guy.

 

P.S. I say he’s a gay Nazi vampire because he went after a dude, right? Like, if I were an old vampire I’d go down to the shore, set up a table with a free shot sign and chow down on every smoke with a C-cup+. That way I’d get drunk, eat, and get some tail from the same place. Like senior week all over. I guess if he wants to be a gay vampire more for the rest. I’ll just make sure to keep a silver-plated vibrator handy in case gay Dracula makes his way to Philly.

P.P.S. Sucker Bite? Like when a chick gets way too into your neck? TBK. Total Boner Kill, bro.

Jul 3 2013

Mariano Rivera Gets A Chair, Continues to Pussify Baseball

So now along with his surfboard, gold Metallica album and all the useless other shit this guy has been showered with, he gets the sweetest chair any baseball player can imagine; a rocking chair made out of bats you broke yourself by having the most dominant pitch of all time.

I hate everything about this. Yes, this is the nicest chair I have ever seen. Thing is straight fire. Yes, he is the greatest closer to ever play. Once Enter Sandman started playing for the last 2 decades you could pretty much call it a day, but never, ever, should an opposing player ever get so much praise. Lou Gehrig had a disease named after him but nobody gave him a hospital bed made out of home run balls. He rides off into the sunset, gets his plaque, and remains in history.

This is exactly what’s wrong with today’s sports. Yeah, we don’t care that we couldn’t win shit for the last 20 years because you’re such a stud and worked for George Steinbrenner so let’s thank you for being the reason so many fans have lost days on their lives. Bullshit. Give him a pat on the ass and send him on his way back to Panama where, with all respect, the man does a lot of great things down there. The last thing he needs to show the poor kids playing baseball with their mother’s placenta in shoes made of Chupacabra skin is a gold record from a band they still haven’t gotten the unsold concert t-shirts from.

As a fan of any of these teams, you have to be a little pissed off about this right? When Tom Brady retires should the Eagles give him diamond encrusted Uggs? Will Alex Ovechkin get a set of platinum teeth from the Flyers? Fuck that. This shit needs to stop.

Related articles
Jul 3 2013

Charlie Sheen Cuts Off Ex For Rehab Stint…Wait, What?

Link to TMZ story

Tiger Blood. Only way to explain it. Guy who has been on the public radar for (denied? no way) excessive drug abuse cuts off the mother of his children because she is going to rehab again. Brass Balls right there. Added bonus points for using the girl who introduced me to puberty, Denise Richards, to dump the kids onto. Hey, I’m not paying for your rehab again but while you’re there I’m going to have smokebomb over here bring them to visit me at work.

He’s just straight cuckolding his ex-wife, both through the court system and with the one thing that burns a fire in women the most, jealousy of a (much) more attractive woman. Denise isn’t in her prime, but she’s miles ahead of this train wreck Mueller. She’s got a weird face, nipples that are way too ovally and her surgeon should be shot on site for the botch job he did on those milkbags (exhibit A below)

Nonetheless, Charlie, for lack of a better term, is winning at life on this one. He’s got his kids, his money, and probably still pops Richards on the side between his romps with the A-listers of porn. They could make for a promising Marry/Fuck/Kill if he keeps hitting the headlines.

. 936full-brooke-mueller

Related articles
Jul 2 2013

Report: Lecavalier to Flyers. 5 yr, 4.5/yr

VINNY LECAVALIER

Twitter is going off about Vinny Lecavalier signing with the Flyers. Darren Dreger as I type has confirmed that the Flyers are the former Lightning staple’s choice. My first thought, I LOVE this signing. This is a big deal for the Flyers. After getting veteran help on the blueline by signing Mark Streit last week, they could afford to turn some attention to bolstering their top 6 forwards. As good of a core of young players we have with Voracek, Simmonds, Read and Giroux, we were missing that guy that makes all of these young players better. Jaromir Jagr was that guy. He loved hockey, worked harder than anyone, and everyone bought into it. Guy didn’t have to touch the puck and he made an impact. That’s what Lecavalier can bring.

Yes, he’s not the guy that can go out and score 50 goals and take over a game offensively anymore, but we don’t need that. That’s why we have a top-5 elite player like Giroux. What he will do is add size and skill around the net, which creates havoc for goalies (see Scott Hartnell in 2011-12) and he will do all of the little things that take a talented team and help them win. He can play Center or the wing, which is versatility that the Flyers need given their luck with injuries the past few years. He hasn’t played a full season in 3 years, but for a guy who has played as long as he has, there aren’t too many injury concerns going forward. Going forward, if he can be a guy that can score 20 goals, get in front of the net on the Powerplay and help get everything out of the young players we have, this signing will be great for the Flyers.

We still have to lock up a goaltender to timeshare with Mason (Tim Thomas), which I wrote about earlier, and I would like to see some more work done on the defense, but we’re doing all the right things so far this offseason. Let’s just trust Homer to keep moving forward.

-Murdock

Related articles
Jul 2 2013

Tim Thomas hopefully sought by Homer, would be a great fit

Tim Thomas

There has been a lot of speculation regarding former Bruins Goaltender Tim Thomas, who looks likely to make his return to the NHL next season after a hiatus to focus on personal issues. Most of this speculation says he is a good fit, I think he is a great fit. Between winning the cup, his Vezina, the Conn Smythe and everything else he has done, he sure seems like one hell of a good choice.

Yes, he’s old at 39 and yes, he took a year off, but with that sniveling prick Bettman screwing up last season for everything, sitting out last year in a shortened season probably didn’t hurt him too bad. The market for him will be soft, given his age, the year off, and the fact that most teams aren’t looking for goalies and those who are don’t seem likely to pay an ex All-Star who isn’t by any stretch a goalie of the future.

I think Steve Mason is solid. He came from a shitty situation to the shitshow that is Philly right now, but he will get better here. With a year or two of Thomas holding down the fort and helping him out, the kid could be a stud (Tuukka Rask, anybody?) and might be the guy that, given we keep our good young nucleus, could get us back to where we were in 2010 fighting for the cup. Also, the guy turned down visiting the President after winning the cup because he didn’t like him. Total Philly move. Go get him, Homer.

-Murdock

Related articles
Jul 2 2013

Morning Milf

audrina-lynn-patrdige-bikinis-02-435x580If you know me or any college bro, you know the fantasy we share of a finely aged piece of tail. Expect to see a lot of the likes of Lynn Patridge here with her daughter, Audrina, from The Hills or Laguna Beach or whatever Jay Cutler’s wife was in. Just Bouncing around and wrecking dick together all over the world. If we can get Teen Mom to go backdoor for money, how much to get these two to do a double team on film? I needed it yesterday.

ImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

Jul 2 2013

WAWA Hoagie Day Because America

tina

(full link to site here)

So today is the second day of Wawa absolutely taking over the 4th of July in Philly. They have a shit ton of events going on all week, but today is what I’m excited about. It’s at the Independence Visitor Center on Market and I need to hop on the R7 and get my ass down there.

They have a 4.5 ton hoagie.4.5 tons! I’m sure you have all been to Wawa unless you’re a communist, so you know how much blood, sweat, and tears the unwed teenage mothers who made that hoagie gave for that sandwich, and for good purpose. They’re no Primo’s or South Philly deli, but a Wawa classic at 4am after a night in Manayunk is like heaven on an Amoroso roll.

They also have free admission to the Constitution Center which, if you’ve never been and consider yourself 1/2 the American I do, will send shivers down your spine. Shit makes you want to go full on Patriot and break redcoat necks. So if you love Wawa, America and free food, I’ll see you down there.

P.S. Take out Fallon and ?uestlove in that picture and I would do disgusting things to be that hoagie going into Tina Fey’s mouth. Unspeakable things.

Related articles
Jul 2 2013

Darren Daulton is the Toughest Man in Radio

dutch

(myfoxphilly) –Former Phillies catcher Darren Daulton is awake, speaking and recovering after undergoing surgery Monday to remove two brain tumors. Dr. Kevin D. Judy, who performed Monday’s surgery, is section chief for surgical neuro-oncology at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital.

He said both  were on the left side of Daulton’s head.

“The surgery went well. Darren is awake in the ICU and talking with his family right now,” Judy told media during a Monday afternoon news conference. The surgery took about seven hours because surgeons performed what’s called an “awake craniotomy,” which means they took him to the operating room and sedated him but did not use general anesthesia. After sedating Daulton and preparing him, doctors woke their patient to map directly map his language function on his brain in order to avoid damaging it.

Judy aid that, as best he can tell, the tumors were removed.

Guy is a total animal. First, he takes a beating for 14 years in the majors catching and running around the concrete floor of the Vet. Although that was ultimately what blew his knees up and killed his career, it takes a different breed to take hits like this (yeah, he dropped the ball, but the bastard got up, didn’t he?). Then, he gets diagnosed with two tumors and gets successful brain surgery without being put under. Are you fucking serious? I got my appendix pulled out 3 weeks ago and I’m still complaining and I had anesthetics. I’m at the gym lifting like a little bitch while this guy is having shit taken from his brain when he’s awake. And he should leave the hospital by the 4th? This man is made of steel. Dutch is a legend. Not even a bunch of DUIs and accusations of beating his wife can change that. He even went to shithole Florida and won a ring. That’s toughness.

P.S. That mullet flow was fire

Related articles